Sitting here. at school. waiting for class to start.
I can't help but think of negatives. How come they're so much easier to think about? Instead of fleeting away like normal after a very persistent mind trying to get read of those downers, right now they are just sticking -- i think it's those naughty winter chills approaching. If anyone of you know me (actually and probably don't know me) i'm an outspoken advocate about sunshine and an outspoken pessimist about winter. i know i know. get a grip on life right? I guess the only thing to do right now is write down my thoughts so that they are concretely (actually abstractly somewhere floating around in cyberspace) on this blog and not in my brain. I mean that's what these things are here for right? When you first heard the word blog i'm sure it didn't sound like documentations perfect people's lives and casserole recipes that you can't help but obsess over. Mine started out a little different...i think it's cause i had it private only to me about a year into it and didn't really look at them. all i thought about is that if i'm going to bloggity blog blog blog than i'm going to bloggity blog blog blog about everything. ups downs sideways backwards--they all happen right?
so Not a great grade on a test that i studied for forever.. (big knife in your smarts) and i had to do well cause there's only 4 people in my class... embarrassing to say the least. lame to say the best.
That was a side note negative that has obviously been one of the downers encompassing my being. but the more i write down the more i can realize a bright life full of blessings and smiles. I guess i never wanted to get to this part and i'm trying to push it away as if it's not the biggest reason affecting my spirits.
today is not just oct 26 but my best friends 23rd birthday. Unfortunately i have had to celebrate the last six of them without her. Her time came when her family was in an auto accident on their way to my house during the winter. Time stood still for awhile for me and now unfortunately time has been moving fast- something that it pains me to think about. It’s been six years now since I lost my cousin Emily. You know the kind of cousin who is pretty much like your sister. who you stay up and laugh with...who you hide in the car with when you don't want to be separated. The one you go to for boy problems, hair problems, acne problems and all of the other problems that you had up 'til you were 17. Efy, ice cream, giggling in every important event, hundreds of nonsensical but hilarious emails, inside jokes galore and a humor that no one just quite understands like she does. Her more quiet and me more loud. So different and so the same. She- long legs and thin Me- short and stubby. Brown and blonde. Her one dimple on her left cheek and I on my right. I guess our sharing problems didn't really stop after that defining day…they just got more one-sided.
Now some of the sweetest times for me are when someone uses our names in the same sentence. Being reminded of our inseparable friendship and memories. I have learned that some people don’t really have such relationships with cousins, but I guess it just happens that I was one of the lucky ones that did. Time of course passes and memories seem to fade, but the reality of a life that was lived full of happiness and service just gets more apparent and has been the example I lean on. It’s interesting that I can really say that I think about her every day. Usually just remembering that it actually happened and remembering that she doesn’t want me to be sad. That’s hard. Sometimes when you want the most to be happy—it’s the hardest. Sometimes the closest people to you—get treated like they’re not. But this comes back to the point I’m trying to relay to not only anyone who is reading, but to myself that we can choose to be happy. We can choose to think of our blessings, or we can choose to think of ourselves. We can choose to think we are isolated, but we can choose to realize that we are not.
Thats why I’m thinking about Emily today. Most of me wants to sob and sit in a corner and not talk to anyone. But something in me is saying that the time has come to deal with feelings when they come and give no thought to the ones that aren’t going to let you…be you I guess. There is a lot more joy, light and smiles to be experienced in my life and I’m thankful for the anchors that I have to remind me of that.
Life is funny sometimes. It’s big and crazy and full of choices. This seems like a relief society lesson or something, but that’s ok cause I guess it’s one I am paying attention to. (uh sorry mom?)
Miss you like you never left Em.
